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How can I love you if you won’t lie down? January 24, 2006

Posted by whatacharacter in just my blogs, life.

One of my biggest conflicts in life is focus. I feel as if now I am reaping the ill harvest of believing in my youth that I could do it all. I still suffer the onslaught of too many loves and interests for one reasonably functioning brain to stroke to satisfaction. Too many marching bands in my head. Can’t I just join one?

I was drawing all the time as a kid, and winning awards up until the time I got a partial art scholarship to return to university & finally finish my Art degree in a mere 3 quarters. The intervening time was focused on music, guitar, partying, then a spiritual quest that put me on a decade long healthcare career path, which gradually veered back to the arts. After messing around with graphic design, printing, fashion (say what?), more school, illustration, cartooning, multimedia, video production, web design, 2d/3d graphics and animation, I hit the end of the road, Jack. I was a laid-off, non-specialized, jerk-of-all-trades, and quickly it became apparent I was also virtually unemployable, having experienced some ego-bruising, face-slamming doors after I’d been welcomed a step inside.

This was okay. Damaged goods a good sign I thought, because oil painting was a dream I’d followed for 15 years, studying under some great teachers, and I now I had the time. I knew I could draw from all my rich experiences living around the country, travelling, reading literature, studying art, history (and art history too!) and come up with lots of great ideas to paint.

I certainly did!

I thought I would then paint all the time.

I didn’t. I painted a little here and there, and even tho’ it was always at the top of my list, everything else seemed to get in the way. It was weird to me that art wasn’t flowing, and the more I felt weird about it, the worse it got. I know now I had fear. Irrational fear, and still I’m figuring it out, danged inscrutable muse.

Finally, by the time I stopped caring, stopped painting, and needed a renewed career focus, I realized: “I should become a Paralegal!” *cough-cough*

So … it was while I was looking into paralegal certificate programs I noticed another for Game Animation. The inner dialogue went on again: “I’d like to do that!” to which I replied “Shut up Stupid, and focus!” But the more I remembered how I enjoyed the 3D I’d taken in Multimedia school, and how as a kid I was constantly drawing concept art for a computer game/special effects industry that hadn’t been invented yet, it seemed like it had potential. Here was the outlet for those rich life experiences and computer skills, combined with an interest in writing, and storytelling! With that, plus school funding for dislocated workers, here I am to say today, I have focus!

My, my, I’m so happy, I’m gonna join the band,

we’re gonna dance and sing in celebration.

we are in the promised land! – Celebration Day, Led Zep

And the road winds ever on …



1. Yvonne - January 25, 2006

Do it standin’ up, honey!

Yours is a new way. Yours isn’t the old way. It won’t fit on a 2-dimensional resume. It’s not containable. There is as yet no language.

It’ll come out of the inquiry and exploration. And it’s only a few inches away, just turn your other cheek.

When the devil of destiny grabs you by the collar and forces your face into the pudding saying, “Eat! Eat!” it’s time to relax, surrender and enjoy.

Welcome to your life. We’re really glad you finally decided to show up … and we’ll be watching.

2. whatacharacter - January 25, 2006

Thanks for the visit and wonderful comment Yvonne. It made me laugh and put a big smile on my face – a good thing!

“destiny puuuuudding … arglaargglggllmmmm!

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